In this three-part series of posts, we are exploring three big lies about anger which get told to us repeatedly and which therefore most of us have accepted as being true.
But they are not. They are all lies. And they are very damaging lies at that.
Today, I want to focus on the second big lie, which fools a heck of a lot of people who struggle with anger.
“That’s Just The Way I Am”
The second big lie which causes great damage, pain, and heartache for lots of angry people is the false internal belief that gets expressed outwardly by the statement “That’s just the way I am.”
People who think this and believe this have probably tried to curb their anger in the past.
Maybe they’ve tried to use willpower, or use anger management techniques, or simply count to ten hoping this will make them feel less angry.
Anyhow, they’ve probably tried many things and failed, which is why they have come to the conclusion that this failure to rid themselves of potentially harmful anger is because they just can’t do anything about it.
They conclude it’s just the way they are…and there’s little possibility of them ever being or feeling differently.
Not Really True
The only problem with this commonly held theory is that it’s not really true.
In other words, it’s a lie.
And if you keep telling yourself or others this dastardly lie…you’re going to end up believing it.
My own personal saga with anger proves that this is a lie.
I thought the very same thing myself in my 20s and early 30s. I was a very angry guy and tried hard to stop being that way…but nothing helped. So I too concluded “that’s just the way I am” and also “I’m probably always going to be this way.”
However, about 40 years ago—to my great surprise—I discovered how to eliminate most of my anger problems and anger tendencies.
Over the last four decades, I’ve had very little anger at all. I’ve also taught lots of other people how to achieve the very same “impossible” transformation.
So if I was 100% sure that being angry was just the way I was, how did I manage to drop all my anger and live mostly anger-free for the past 40 years.
The only explanation is that “That’s just the way I am” was obviously a lie, only I didn’t have the wisdom, knowledge or experience at that time to recognize this.
This second lie is intimately related to Anger Lie #1. This is because if you never learn how to recognize and understand the internal causes of your anger, YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO TRANSFORM YOURSELF. So it will look like “That’s just the way I am” is actually a “truth” about you..
But when you do learn to recognize and master the internal causes of your anger, major transformation is easy to achieve.